Separation Anxiety and Discipline

It has been my experience…………

That some preschoolers have more trouble than others in leaving Mom… Although they are small, it’s important to help your preschoolers learn to handle social situations on their level at an early age. No matter if it’s sharing toys with a friend or being dropped off at preschool or a friend’s house for a play date.  In another article I will cover sharing, but for now, let’s think back to a time when your preschooler didn’t want you to go…….

I remember a time when I was dropping off my preschooler for a play date.  She was excited to have time with her friend, and she had her best doll for a tea party.   I had lingered for a few extra minutes visiting with the mom and then I said good-bye to Sarah.  At that point, she got a panicked look in her eyes and said, “You can’t go Mama!”  I explained to her that I would be back soon and she would have a great time in my absence.  She didn’t seem to hear a word I said and she started to cry! “Don’t Go! Mama!” she said……

Let’s stop here and talk about preschoolers… They need to feel they have some sense of control in most situations… That’s not altogether a bad thing….. As a parent we need to try to allow them to control to a certain degree.  By doing this in the right manner, we will lay the groundwork to help them learn to deal with social situations.

Step 1  Arrange for opportunities for your child to “test the water” of their social world

Step 2  Be patient! Help your child learn in small steps.  Realistically by the time your little one is a teenager you won’t have a problem getting her to leave Mom!!

If your preschooler seems to have the problem of the “panic look”, take them aside, get down on their level and with a very calm even voice explain that “we” planned this visit and it would be rude to leave now.  Mom has to go and I will come back soon.  Reassure your child that you will be back and then leave. (one mom sets a timer and leaves it with her child to be a reminder when Mom will be back)

If you know this might be a problem, talk to your child ahead of time and let your child decide “Do you want to play at Mandy’s house for “a little time” or “a long time” (little being a half hour) If your child picks “a little time” be prompt and pick her up in half an hour. 

IMPORTANT: When she is not ready to leave (she won’t be) gently remind her that this was the “little time” she picked for this visit. Next time we will plan on a longer play date.  (It’s always better to leave when it is still fun)

In Sarah’s case I came to pick her up and she and Mandy were just getting involved in their tea party.  I explained that I was sorry, but we had other plans now, but next time I PROMISE you can choose to stay longer!

She was sad and upset to say the least, but if you use our “Mom voice” your child will learn to understand that rules are rules. 

The most important thing I did for Sarah that day was I didn’t promise to protect her by saying “Don’t worry, Mama won’t go if you don’t want me too”.  I was careful to remind her that we planned for a “little time” to play with Mandy.  This was a way to reinforce and help her realize that she helped make the original decision.

I also helped her learn that I couldn’t be swayed by tears.  By staying calm and focused, I helped reinforce our rule (and paved the way for a smoother time when she was older and wanted to change plans to control a situation)

And finally, I acknowledged Sarah’s feelings.  I didn’t ignore them.  I validated them and helped her deal with the reality of the situation.  I said “I know you are having a great time!  We will plan to do this again, but for now, we need to leave”

Make sure you encourage your child to help in the decision process at their level.  Three year olds can help decide “Would you like to have a tea party at Mandy’s house?”  Would you like to stay a “little time” or “a long time” on Saturday?  (A little time being ½ hour and a long time being 1 ½ hours)

Giving your child the chance to choose between two acceptable choices helps her feel “in control”.  When a child feels “in control” it helps them relax and enjoy “their decision”!

My Sarah is grown and has a child of her own now, but these principles are true and steady over time.  I have used these same standards raising

Sarah and her 3 siblings, as well as applying them to my students over the 38 years I taught preschoolers.  I hope this article helped you hone your parenting skills.  If you have any specific questions, I will be happy to correspond by e-mail with you personally. You can contact me at carole@kidzsafetyservices.com